Sunday, September 29, 2013

Be Still

Have you ever had God speak to you? I've questioned this throughout my life. Why would God take time out of His day, and the overwhelming world problems to talk to me.  Was it really Him talking or just the result of an overactive imagination? Maybe a need to hear His reassurance when it steamed like I couldn't catch a break? If the past three years have taught me anything it is that if I'm quiet, if I'm still I can hear him. The problem is I'm rarely quiet and I'm never still. 

I heard him in the dream he told me about Josiah. I felt his power and I knew it was not an overactive imagination. And the past few weeks He has been talking again. Ever subtly and quiet....testing the microphone to see if it is on...testingif I am listening. It started with me noticing the same scripture repeatedly, Be Still ..and know that I am God.

Maybe it's trendy. Maybe a coincidence. Maybe not. Maybe God was ready to move. 

Brian and I had started thinking of trying fertility again. We had sworn after the last time, the health scare, that another baby was not in the cards for us. That sometimes, even if we've prayed about it, wanted it, thought we needed it, God would answer "no". And we had tried to be good with that answer, to make peace with it and to love the little miracle we do have. About a month ago, our hearts started stirring. We are confident that our family is just not yet complete. Maybe just maybe God's answer wasn't "no", it was "not yet", "not this way".

 We started thinking of adoption. In the past, Brian had never really been too keen on the idea. He would say, " the next time will work",  recently, though his heart at first started to soften, and then seemingly move towards Exploring the possibility of adoption. Church had made an announcement about foster care and adoption, but we couldn't make the meeting. We weren't sure if we could handle loving a child and having to give him/her back. I can't imagine that pain. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that kind of pain. 

Brian and I had both began to independently research the adoption process, the cost (astonishing), the wait (too long), and options ( oh the overwhelming options). We would come together to discuss topics and issues. I found some great families on IG that I began to follow, people that had made it through it. That I could see their happy ending. Throughout our research, the scripture kept presenting itself. Sure there were other scriptures. Holding on to God is apparently be step 1 of the adoption process.  But Be Still ... And know that I am God, would jump at me, tinge at me, make me stop and be still. 

 From @theadoptshoppe 

During our research talks, we both decided we should see if fertility would work. Our insurance will pay for one more cycle. I have been gluten free for almost two months and have been feeling better. I called the doctor and she said we can explore it again. I could call her the first day of my next cycle to check my blood levels. 

I told a few of my closest friends, and of them suggested accupuncture. She has suggested it before. In fact I think she brings it up whenever we talk about it, but I finally gave in. I found a doctor online and made an appointment. Wanna guess what sign sits on their receptionist desk? That's right! It's my scripture. ( yep, I'm claiming it now). 

Then I started seeing it more frequently. Seeming to pop off the pages that I read. Dreaming it. 

My cycle started Friday and I missed my appointment (long story) so she is squeezing me in today. I had to leave before sunrise to get here, but as I pulled off the freeway, the song that started on the radio, Be Still. 

 Me as a pin cushion. 

I don't know if this cycle will work, I don't know if God's answer has or will ever change. But I do know this, sitting in an almost empty parking lot at sunrise on a Sunday, God sure does want me to be still


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