If there is anyone out there considering becoming a foster parent this one's for you. Here are 5 things I wish I would have known three years ago:
1. Children are rarely the focus in the Foster
Care system. The system is incredibly broken. I have struggled
almost from day one with the fact that very design of the foster care system seems
to forget the very reason it exists: the children. Often, they are a number, a possession and a
statistic but, rarely they are the focus. The birthparent(s) are/is considered
the “client” and the entire system works to help reinstate their “right to
parent”. I would be amiss if I said that
reunification is never the answer. It is certainly the answer if it is in the
best interest of both the child and the parent. However, the system takes more
of a one size fits all answer to a very complex problem. It is my belief that if we want to change the
system, we simply need to change the focus. Please be your child’s voice and
fight for them, even if it feels like you aren’t being heard.
2.
You
are going to feel very alone, try to remember that you are not. I’m not
quite sure that anyone can prepare you for the chaos, trauma, pain, and love
that will enter your life when you open your home to a foster child. Sometimes
that may cause some of those closest to you to distance themselves or say
incredibly insensitive and infuriating things. For the most part people will be
coming from a place of love and simply wanting to protect you. Despite their
intent, a lot of times that is going to hurt. Please find other foster parents
and cling to them. We may not have all the answers (or any answers at all), but
we get it!
3. Your biological children will be fine (and
somehow you will too!) I can’t count how many times people told me I was
“ruining” my family and that foster care wasn’t fair to my own boys. Please know that while my brain understands the difference
between foster and biological, my heart only knows one kind of love. I love all
of my boys equally and without measure …and I promise I didn’t ruin my family. If you put the word foster in front of any
relationship, it’s hard. Foster parent, foster child, foster sibling…it’s all
hard and it is all messy. As a family, we’ve been force to deal with very tough
emotions, have tough conversations and go through tough experiences. Foster
care didn’t ruin us, but it did change us.
It made us tougher, kinder, and more compassionate. Foster care has taught all of us some
incredible lessons in the power of the human spirit, in unconditional love, and
what it truly means to be a family. We
may not look like each other and now we definitely don’t live together, but
nothing can take our journey from us.
4.
Koinonia
(Our Foster Agency) is amazing. They will make sure that your home is order and that you have
all your paperwork (oh my there is a lot of paperwork!) More than that
though, they will be a voice of reason and truth in a system that is anything
but. They have provided training on all sorts of things I didn’t want to learn from
how to deal with infant drug withdrawal to how to deal with a toddler who has
severe emotional disorders. Most recently, they walked beside us as we
navigated through reunification process.
5. It’s Worth It! Some days were hard and
some days were harder. Every single moment was worth it because of two very
special boys. I wish that each of you could meet them. Their first moments in
this life were inconceivable and horrific and read more like a lifetime movie
than a proper childhood. I am completely
in awe of their perseverance, curiosity, and resilience. They are more
incredible than I could ever describe and I will forever be grateful and proud
of the short time I got to be their momma.
Please know that I certainly don’t believe that every person
should become a foster parent, but I do believe that we are all called to do
something for our society’s most fragile.
If you are considering becoming a foster parent: Thank you! Thank you
for your time, for your commitment, and for your love. Even if you aren’t
considering becoming a foster parent, please find a way to support foster care:
vote, donate, educate and pray. Every single foster child needs every single one of us on their side!
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